Day 25 of 40
Watermelon for dinner!
25 down, 15 to go! Tomorrow I have two weeks left of my fruit detox. And I can proudly say that I’ve moved from cravings [read for cheese] and into planning [read to eat cheese]. This is an interesting, if unideal, route to learning and probably another manifestation of me overcomplicating things.
It has taken me 25 days to write about this for a few reasons with the most substantial of those being that I haven’t been 100% convinced I was going to make it. Most of the detox experience reading I’ve done is by people who are either a lot more mentally strong than me or by fibbers. Mostly fibbers, “The grape and lemon detox went great! I really didn’t have any cravings…” Yeah, right! I concede the possibility that others have a less complicated relationship with food than I do but honestly speaking, I have pretty much had cravings everyday, most days at multiple points in the day.
I launched into this adventure after reading The Detox Miracle Sourcebook by Dr. Robert Morse. He just makes a lot of sense. Your cells are pooping, clean it up! After years of over and blindly prescribed antibiotics, heavy dairy consumption and a variety of in-the-body pets, I thought my body could use a good rinse-out. But more than going on clean-up duty, I wanted to develop a healthier relationship with food. What better way to spend a pandemic then improving and understanding your relationship with food?!
Thus far, there have been two excruciating days. The first was the day we returned from our safari in Tsavo East (check out the travel page for that adventure next week!) and the second was when my friend departed from Kenya without a proper good-bye.
The former was rough because we stopped for pizza after a long and hot day in the car. Or, let me be more clear here and describe the pizza. It’s wood-fire, brick-oven baked, made by Italian’s, pizza and we ALWAYS get the Quattro Formaggi. On that day, my 4 friends, ordered 3 of those pizzas and I was envious. The smell, the melted cheese, the addition of fresh basil on top, the crispy yet chewy crust, the home-made chili oil, the glee on my friend’s faces…it was an impossible situation. I meanwhile ordered 3 salads, 2 fresh fruit juices and a fruit plate to try to at least pig-out, even if I couldn’t eat pizza. Lesson here, food as a reward or as a pleasure source after a tiring day is a thing.
The latter didn’t include much temptation as here at the eggcubator we are pretty much on individual eating schedules, minus the times when we do family dinner (like for the stuffed peppers see cooking page). I woke up to a text from my friend that he wasn’t coming to say goodbye after all because he had to rush to get to the airport early for his evacuation flight. These are uncertain times and this one, well let’s just say he is my platonic partner or maybe replacement big brother. The text was gutting but the challenge was not attempting to mediate the feeling of loss with the feeling of, well… cheese. I think nachos were the main staple on my mind at the time. Lesson here, food dulls the emotional pain of loss.
As with most things, this is lifelong learning and not something I think ever comes fully into mastery. Whatever that might mean. I have to say, until this, I have never fully understood the intricacies of addiction. I’ve given up coffee and drinking before and am currently off of them both but I don’t find myself craving nor thinking about them. For all the times I haven’t fully understood addiction or the ways in which someone was working through addiction, I am better understanding it now, especially as I’m fully confronting three major ones: travel, food and…
The thing about these addictions is it isn’t simply about a substance or a craving or the way in which my behaviors are influenced by being on that substance or submitting to a craving. This is much more about how travel, food and… (or whatever it is for you), occupies space and energy within my mind and spirit and intertwines with my identity. Food is a connection point to my family and friends. It gives me pleasure and comfort when life feels challenging, it gives me purpose and meaning to cook and offer my food with love to those I love. It is also, similar to travel, an expression of my need for variety and change – and similar to travel a cover-up for fully giving myself the time and energy I need to feel whole.
More lessons to come over the next 15 days! For now, I’m planning to break the fast with a pilau dish that will also incorporate some cheese, likely feta. But we will see in a week if that plan has changed. I’m pondering what challenges others might choose to take on to better understand themselves during this time….
